


Broken Angel

by tyomawrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, It's Angst For a reason, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Well - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:49:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyomawrites/pseuds/tyomawrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The worst thing about having your family moving in with the Winchesters, is having to hear Castiel and Dean Winchester moaning next door to you.</p>
<p>Balthazar goes through all of that, constantly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Living with his brothers was nice, having all his favourite brothers made him happy, he spent three days of the week with Lucifer and Gabriel, another three with Castiel, and Sunday with the Winchesters. He had his own room next to Castiel's, shelves packed to the ceiling packed with paints, inks, canvases, anything of the like.

 

* * *

 

He jogged down the stairs looking for Castiel and Dean, hoping to watch a movie with them, maybe to cheer him up or something. It had been a really rough week lately for him, there'd been so many things going wrong and he just wanted to curl up with Castiel and Dean in front of the tv and watch Doctor Sexy or something.

 

"Cassie? Dean? Do you think we can watch a-" He froze as he turned the corner, seeing his brothers with Sam, on the table, doing something that should never be done on the table.

 

"Oh Father." He groaned, backing away scrubbing his eyes as he tried to walk without taking his hands away from his eyes. He bumped into someone.

 

"Hey Balthy." Dean said cheerfully, looking down at him. "What's with the eyes? You okay?" Dean pulled his hands away from his eyes and noticed they were red.

 

"You wanna sit with us?" He gestured to the couch where Cas was sitting on. How did he miss that? 

 

"What are you sad about Balthy?" Cas asked as Dean set him down on the couch. He immediately curled into the warmth Castiel was radiating. 

 

"It's nothing Cas." He muttered as Dean sat down next to him. 

 

"Balth, even I can tell when you're lying too us, what's wrong baby bro." Dean cooed and Balthazar huffed in response. 

 

"I'm older than you." He poked his tongue out at Dean and the older Winchester rolled his eyes at the other blond. "You're upset about something and you know how Cas gets when you do this." 

 

"I promise, I'm not upset over anything, it's just, it's been a rough week..." He murmured. "M'tired." 

 

“What’s wrong baby?” Dean cooed, plastering himself to Balthazar’s back, nuzzling his shoulder.

 

“How do you know you love someone?’ He asked softly leaning into Dean’s embrace.

 

Cas turned to face him and Dean,slipping his arms around his waist to sandwich him in between the couple. He pressed a kiss to Balthazar’s forehead and brushed his thumb over his cheek, wiping away a tear that was making it’s way down to his jaw,

 

“It feels like the world lights up when you’re with them.” Cas slipped his hand into Deans, cuddling Balthazar in between them.

 

Cas knew his brother was fragile, being thrown into a familial environment, a loving environment after years of working like a demon, working his way through sex and drinks, making him detached, they usually had to shower him in affection and assurance that they wanted him here.

 

“... do you f-eel that when I’m h-here?” He stammered through sobs. He broke down, clutching onto them as he curled into himself, trying to shut Cas and Dean out.

 

“Of course we do baby.” Dean cooed, linking his free hand with Balthazar’s. “You see this, this is forever.” He raised their hands, showing them to Balthazar.

 

Sometimes they wondered what sent Balthazar into this headspace, but it was painful too see him in it... that was if they ever saw him at all. The last time that happened, he barricaded himself inside his room and didn’t come out for a month and it was because he drank until he poisoned his vessel and he trapped his grace inside and he passed out on the floor.

 

“Do you thin.... think I can feel it one day?” He tried wriggling out of their hold in vain. Cas and Dean were not going to let him go over whatever was going on in his head alone.

 

“Do you love anyone?” Balthazar froze at that and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Cas glanced at Dean, worried, he leaned forward and rested his head on Balthazar’s shoulder.

 

“I love you, and Dean, and Samandriel and Gadreel.” He whispered, and Cas nodded.

 

“Who else baby? What about Luci and Gabe?” Balthazar started thrashing at the mention of his older brothers.

 

“They don’t love me! I hate them, I hate them! I wish they never raised me!” He shouted at them and he was gone, a creased piece of folded paper in his place, left behind in his haste to get away.

 

“That was not normal.” Cas muttered as Dean leaned down to pick up the piece of paper.

 

“Uh Cas, look at this, I think it fell out of his pocket.”

He held out the piece of paper to Cas, now realizing that it was one of his artworks. Cas knew that Balthazar liked to doodle sometimes when he was upset, but this, seeing this made him worry about his brother. The doodle was titled ‘Happy Family’ and it included everyone, except Balthazar, colourful figures filled the foreground of the page and in the back, he knew was Balthazar, coloured in black and white, red gashes covering his arms.

 

“He thinks we don’t want him...” Dean murmured and scrubbed his face clear of any tears on his face, just as he heard Sam, Lucifer and Gabriel walk into the lounge, smiles plastered on their face.

 

“Where’s Balth? Having another one of his tantrums like the big baby he is?” Gabriel laughed at his own joke and Lucifer and Same let out a chuckle. Dean and Cas glared at them and the chuckles trailed off.

 

“What crawled into your pants?” Lucifer retorted as Dean folded the picture and slipped it into his pocket.

 

“Just the fact that you don’t realize how bad it is for him! Asshole.” He growled and left the room. Cas tilted his head at the trio, he shook his head sadly, disappearing after Dean.

 

“What did we do?” Sam asked in confusion. What just happened?

 

* * *

 

His room was a mess and it had only been five minutes. He snapped his fingers, covering his bed and dresser in newspaper so it wouldn’t get splattered in paint. He already new how he was going to redecorate his room.

 

The first wall was the easiest, it was for his family. He carefully traced Cas’ features from memory onto the white wall with a pencil, he added Dean’s hands on Cas’ shoulders, having him prop his chin on one of his hands, smiling down at Cas lovingly. Next was Sam, standing next to Dean, behind Gabriel and Lucifer as he was the tallest. On the other side, he penciled in Gadreel and Samandriel on either side of himself, he drew them smiling down on him, looking at him like they were proud of him.

 

His reaction when he’s done in less time than expected is not normal for him... he panicked, wondering what he had done wrong, before taking a deep breath. It was fine... his family was fine.

 

In his cursive scrawl, he began writing everything he loved about his family above the painting... pausing when he came to write about his brothers. 

 

_‘Luci and Gabriel raised me... I wish they hadn’t and I wished that I never met them... I wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to hear their jokes about me.”_

 

He dropped the marker he was using to write with, and sank to his knees. He could hear someone walking down the hall and he tried not to make a sound, but the scream that was clawing at his throat was making him choke. It came out as a choked sob and the footsteps stopped, right outside his room.

 

“Balthy?” It was Dean, it was always Dean, or Cas, who checked up on him when he was feeling like he couldn’t get away from his own head.

 

“Dean?” His sobbed from where he faced the wall. He wanted Dean, he wanted to hold onto him because he was one of the only people left that loved him.

 

The door wouldn’t budge when Dean tired to push it open. “Balth?” Balth having his door locked when he was like this was never good. He slammed his hands against the door, trying to force it open.

 

“Come on Balth, you gotta let me in.” He pleaded, knocking on the door frantically. The door gave a telltale click and he shoved it open, seeing Balthazar kneeling on the floor in front of the wall. He fell to his knees at his side, pulling Balthazar into a tight hug.

 

“Shh, it’s okay baby, come on. I need you to look at me.” He murmured, wiping away the tears flowing freely down his face, making his heart ache at the sight of his second angel.

 

_‘Cas? Get here now!’_ Dean prayed that it was just Cas, smiling when he heard the familiar flutter of wings and Cas was kneeling opposite them.

 

“Bal, what were you doing?” He asked softly, eyes going up to the painting on the wall. His eyes widened as they scanned the words surrounding the painting of them, their family that they built.

 

_‘.....Luci and Gabriel raised me... I wish they hadn’t and I wished that I never met them... I wish I was dead so I wouldn’t have to hear their jokes about me. Sometimes I think they hate me, and then I know they do...’_

 

“Bal... Please talk to us baby, we love you, we love you so much, just talk to us. Tell us what’s making you sad.”

 

“Life.... Life makes me sad.” The blonde sunk into Dean’s embrace as the two met each others eyes, scared for the first time since they took it upon themselves to make their baby feel loved.

 

* * *

 

Balthazar was now confined to the lounge room and dining room, and while he wasn’t screaming or crying anymore, he was testing out some inks that Dean had bought him that morning. He sat cross legged, perched on a stool at the dining table, bending over his sketchbook, working methodically, swapping between green, blue and black inks.

 

The others had come down to the dining room for breakfast, Sam was sitting in between Gabriel and Lucifer, while Cas sat next to Balthazar as Dean cooked and handed out the food.

 

“Can I see what you’re doing Bal?” Cas asked quietly, peeking over his arm.

 

“I’m done anyway.” He muttered, pushing the sketchbook to Castiel.

 

Castiel gasped and pulled Balthazar into a hug. 

 

“It’s beautiful Balthazar.” Balthazar returned the smile that Cas gave him and Cas smiled even wider at the improvement.

 

“It’s just a drawing.” Lucifer drawled from his chair and Balthazar’s face fell.

 

“Well it’s a nice drawing, and it’s sweet that Balthazar drew us when he could have drawn anything else.” Dean scolded and shot a concerned look at Balthazar, who was swirling the small jar of red ink next to him.

 

Balthazar sighed and stood up from his stool, pushing the ink jars away from the edge of the table so they wouldn’t fall before leaving the room.

 

“Can’t you be nice to your brother!” Dean yelled as soon as Balthazar was gone. 

 

Lucifer pouted before laughing. “He’s a freak, he doesn’t even talk to us anymore, he only things he does is sit there while you both baby him, draw and throw tantrums like a pathetic child, all he’s doing is being a burden, he’s better off alone or dead.” 

 

Dean growled and before Lucifer could react, his face was snapping back in surprise as Dean socked him in the jaw.

 

“Stop it!” Sam shouted. “Both of you.” 

 

Lucifer snarled and Cas’ eyes flared as he was holding Dean back.

 

“He’s right...” A soft voice came from the doorway to the dining room and the group spun around.

 

“I’ll just, go then...” Balthazar looked down at his feet, feeling tear falling down his face. He disappeared, back up to his room. He didn’t know what to take with him... Angel blade, his wristband from Dean... he could leave that behind. Taking it off, he set it on the bed carefully. Lucifer was probably speaking everyone’s thoughts, they just didn’t want to admit it. He gripped the angle blade tight and looked around his room one last time, scrubbing away his tears with his free hand.

 

* * *

 

It was dark and cold in the alleyway, the town he stopped at on his road leaving the bunker was pretty quiet, no one would notice if he used the angel blade in the alley.

 

He started with his wings first, it wasn’t easy and every five minutes of sawing at the bone made him bite his lip in an attempt not to scream. After 20 minutes, he felt his world tilt, feeling an intense burning like holy fire where his left wing was. Another 20 minutes and his lip was bleeding badly from where he’d bitten down. The feeling of holy fire intensified and he started on his arms, running lines from his palm to his elbows, going deeper with each cut.

 

He whimpered as the cuts glowed blue, the feeling of his grace threatening to spill out and abandon him scared him. One last chance to fix it.

 

He prayed. He prayed to his father. He prayed for forgiveness from the brothers and sisters he never met, from the ones he betrayed, and for the brothers he will leave behind. He prayed to Cas and Dean.

 

_“Castiel? I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough to be normal, and to stop you from hating me, I understand, I was a burden, and you thought you were stuck with me out of obligation... Tell Dean I’m sorry too.. and tell Sam I love him, even though he has Lucifer and Gabe... even though he hates me... I love you and Dean... but you both probably hate me too.... This is goodbye.”_

 

* * *

 

“Why would you say that?” Dean shouted and Lucifer shrunk back. 

 

“I didn’t mean it. You both just worked yourself up over him and it gets on our nerves.”

 

Dean raised his eyebrows in disbelief and turned to Cas, seeing him concentrating on something.

 

Castiel froze as he heard Balthazar’s voice in his head. Was Balthazar praying? With each word, he felt his heart clench and he felt his fear rising.

 

“Cas what is it?” Dean’s voice shook him out of his fear and his head shot up.

“It’s Balthazar... he’s praying.”

 

“What’s he saying?”

 

“He says.... that he’s sorry for not trying hard enough to be normal, and to stop... us from hating him? That he understands he’s a burden and.....”

 

“Cas?” Dean put his hand on his shoulder, flinching when he saw Cas’ expression.

 

Cas spun around, grabbing one of the ink jars and it’s lids, emptying it out in the sink before turning to them.

 

“Balthazar’s cutting out his grace. We have to get to him before he does it.” Dean dropped the plate he was holding in his other hand. Lucifer and Gabriel held guilty expressions across their face.

 

“What are we waiting for? Move!” Dean shouted, pushing Cas out to the Impala. 

 

“This is faster.” Cas grabbed his hand and without warning, they found themselves in a dark alleyway, a light shining from the far end made him sprint, falling to his knees beside Balthazar, angel blade laying by his side, hand grasping it weakly, trying to raise it.

 

“Why?” Dean murmured, pressing a kiss to his hair. “Why would you think we that we didn’t want you?’ He stoked Balthazar’s hair as Cas began healing his wounds.

 

“You ca-n’t heal me Cas.” He choked out. “Don’t ‘ave ‘ose bloody wings anymore...”

 

“You cut off your wings?” Cas’ voice caught in his throat and he leaned over Balthazar, looking into his eyes.

 

“I didn want ya ta heal me.” He coughed.

 

Another two pairs of wings fluttered and Lucifer, Gabriel and Sam were kneeling next to Balthazar.

 

“I didn’t mean it... I take it back Little Angel, please don’t go?’ Lucifer pulled him away from Dean, his six wings curling around them. Cas could feel the guilt and regret pouring from Lucifer and Gabriel as the older archangel cradled Balthazar in his lap. Lucifer leaned down and nosed Balthazar’s forehead in a familiar gesture Castiel recognized from their days in the Garden.

 

Lucifers hands glowed, and the cuts from Balthazar’s angel blade stitched back up as Balthazar’s back arched, hands gripping Lucifer’s shoulders at the intense feeling. “Come on Little Angel... I know you can get them back.” He murmured to Balthazar.

“Don’t want them. Don’t want to ruin the family.” He tried pushing Lucifer away, whimpering when the archangel’s grip tightened on his arm.

 

“Luce, you’re hurting him.” Sam pulled the archangels hands off the half healed angel.

 

“Cas, I want Cas.” Balthazar reached out towards the youngest angel and Lucifer backed up a Cas pulled Balthazar into his lap, the blue eyed angel slipped something onto Balthazar’s wrist and looked down at the angel, who was crying up at Castiel.

 

“Promise me you know...” He coughed, pausing his sentence. “it’s not your fault. Tell, him I love him...” He pleaded as coughed blood the red staining down his chin as the angel began a coughing fit.

 

“We love you.. we love you Bal..” Cas whispered as the blond stopped breathing, eyes staring up at Castiel.

 

 

 


	2. Epilouge

  
They buried Balthazar outside the bunker. With his angel blade and bracelet. Cas stared longingly at his room door whenever he walked past. Dean didn’t go near it. The others didn’t quite laugh as much. Cas went into his room on the 1st anniversary of Balthazar’s death. He read every scrawl on the wall, every word Balthazar wrote in his sketch and notebooks.

 

On the 2nd anniversary of Balthazar’s death.. he told Sam that Balthazar loved him. That day ended with Cas getting punched, and Sam leaving the bunker for a week. Cas went back to Balthazar’s room, still kept the way he left it. Balthazar’s alcohol on the left shelf, right wall was bookshelves all along it. His bed was still unmade, like he just got up. The painting of their family still on that wall.

 

On the 3rd Anniversary, Michael killed Gabriel. They buried him with his candy next to Balthazar. They avoided his room too, at first, but Sam and Lucifer were gone the next day.

 

On the 4th anniversary of Balthazar’s death, and the 1st for Gabriel’s, it was just Cas and Dean. Sam and Lucifer were gone, down in hell, pushing the reign of the Boy King. Cas and Dean sat on the couch watching reruns of Doctor Sexy MD.

 

On the 5th Anniversary... It was just Cas... Dean was gone, without a note or the Impala and Cas was alone. He made an empty grave next two Sam, Lucifer, Gabriel’s, Dean’s and Balthazar’s. He lay in it, staring up at the sky, and plunged the angel blade in his hand into his chest.

 

One the 6th Anniversary... The year after the end of Team Free Will. Cas, Dean and Balthazar reunited in Heaven, with human souls. Cas promised, this time he was never letting them go.


End file.
